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Wednesday, January 13, 2010

" I hope 'ya know, we've had a hard time"

I have ohhh, so much catching up to do...it makes me dizzy thinking about it. I have got to figure out my computer+pictures+blogger. I will. I promise. But, right now I am too tired and I wanted to give a shout out to my fabulous sister Whitney. She has been so wonderful helping me update my blog backgrounds. I get so befuddled and confused and verrry nervous messing with my blog and she steps in like my princess in shining armour (sure! why not??). She helps me and *wa-lah* beautiful background. Thank you, Whitty. I'm a lucky girl to have a sis like you.
On another note... I wanted to relate my horrible, no-good, awful happenings this week. I guess just for venting purposes. On Monday Philip had accidentally left his flash-drive at home and called up and asked if I could bring it by that afternoon. I climbed into the car later that day and low and behold the van isn't working. Fabulous. (*history* we have had our fair share of car troubles this past half year and they seem to keep on comin') I call up Phillip and let him know the situation. He comes to my rescue and tries to jump-start the car. Not working so well...but finally gets it figured out. I was so grateful. I asked Phillip after all was said and done if he had grabbed his flash-drive off of the counter where I had left it. He said that he had and so we left to go drive the van around a bit to keep the battery charging. We ran an errand and then picked up the boys. After that, Phillip left and went back to work. He calls me later that afternoon and asks me if I have seen his flash-drive. As it turns out, Phillip can't find it. Normally, I would feel bad about the lost flash-drive, but not loose too much sleep over it. Not this time. Phillip has been working very diligently on his dissertation (esp. over the Christmas break, which is invaluable no-work and no-students or classes time), which also means I sacrificed not having him around over the holidays. He had saved all of his recent work on this flash drive that he had done since the middle of Dec. on this flash-drive and had yet to back it up. Needless to say, Phillip and I are quite sick over the missing item. *heavy sigh*
On another no-good, horrible incident... Today while I was on the phone with Whit (we were figuring out said blog background together) I realized my youngest was awfully quiet...stress on the awfully. I should've known better right then and there. But, I had put in Dora (her absolute fav) and tucked her into my bed (she luuuvs that) and put my mind at ease that she was comfortably watching her favorite show and maybe even could've dozed off (I can hear the chuckles and feel the eye rolls from here). I send Greyson in after a while to check on her and he yells at me that she has "finger-painted" all over the t.v. Now, I know that there isn't any finger paints to be had in her reach...but there is fingernail polish within her grasp. I dart in there and quickly get off the phone with my sister to find that she has painted our t.v., part of the stand it sits on, herself (part of her hair, too), her outfit, my bed, the carpet, the carpet, the carpet (you get the picture??). I have a dark beige carpet and the polish of choice was a fast drying pinky-tangerine. A bright color that I love on my toes in the summer. I've scrubbed, blotted, googled remedies, snipped at, cried over...but to no avail. As I type this, I figure we'll have to eventually replace the carpet. The splotches are in a highly visible traffic area (thankfully in the bedroom, though) so I don't think that we could patch the spots... We'll see what Phillip and I figure out, though. Boo to ugly, bright spots in our new carpet.
On a pretty personal note... another no-good, awful thing that I've dealt with this week is the fact that I'm not pregnant. This may come as a shocker that we're trying to add to our family, but we don't feel we're complete yet. We were lucky enough to get pregnant with Cooper and Greyson the month we wanted, but Ella was a different story. It took over a year for Ella to start her appearance. It was a hard, painful and very emotional thing for me. I can say this, though. I never wanted a baby as bad as I wanted her and every day I was grateful she was mine and in my arms. I would just sit and hold her reflecting on all the tears that I had cried waiting for her and in awe that she was finally here. I wasn't terribly excited to start the whole "trying to have a baby" process again after Ella, as it wasn't exactly a picnic. But, Phillip and I felt that it was okay to start trying again after we moved. We quickly got pregnant after just a month and we were ecstatic. But, after about seven or eight weeks, things started going wrong and I miscarried. It was (and is) a really tough thing. There are a lot of questions and not a lot of answers. But, Phillip and I do understand that Heavenly Father knows what he is doing and all trials are for our growth. We were told that we needed to wait three month before starting the whole process again and we were hopeful that we would get pregnant quickly. It's only been a month, but I already feel so behind. I hear of women that got pregnant around the same time as I had and know the genders of their unborn bundles of joy and it's rough. That being said, I would never wish this for anyone and am really happy that they are having their babies...I just wish I was too. I'm really alright and I know I'll have another baby...it just doesn't happen to be on my time table. So. I wait and understand that the Lord's timing isn't necessarily mine and figure that at some point (hopefully in the near future) that I will be planning on welcoming another baby into this world.
I hope I haven't been too much of a downer...but I just had to get the crummy happenings off of my chest. Last week Phillip gave a talk on how our trials become blessings, and I guess we're being able to figure it out first hand. He related a story one of the apostles talked about in a recent Conference talk about himself and one of his sons (who was three at the time) . The son had called his mom after he and his dad had been stuck in the Sierra Nevadas in a freak June blizzard and said "I hope 'ya know, we've had a hard time". That's kinda how we're feeling right now. That being said, we're trying not to wallow in it and are picking ourselves up by our boot straps and walking forward.
Thank you for your ear. I promise I'll be more upbeat next post. Here's to tomorrow and the beginning of another day.

20 comments:

Mere said...

Oh, what a sad post. My heart hurts for you. We tried for 2 years to have baby #3 and it never panned out, so our family is complete with 2 kids. It's what's right for us, and the Lord will let you know what's right for you.

Lively Luckinbills said...

Thank you for sharing your personal feelings and experiences. Some of the things you are going through are my worst nightmares, so I definately feel for you. At least you know you are in the Lord's hands and he won't give you more than you can handle. Love ya!!

Maria said...

Wow - big hugs Steph. I don't personaly know of the hard ttc road but I'll keep you in my prayers. Also that the flash drive will turn up.

Dirk and Trish said...

That's a lot to deal with all at once! Hopefully things will start falling into place again soon. I can understand your feelings toward Ella-it took me 18 mos. to conceive L and then 2 years and surgery this time. It's so hard when you want something so good so much! I'm sorry for your loss and hope your family can continue to grow.

Chambers Clan said...

All I can say about the nail polish is a rug?? I'm sorry about the miscarriage. That has got to be what the Lord was talking about when he said "sorrow". You definately have a firm understanding of the Lord's will though. I sure hope things start looking up for you! Good Luck Steph!

whitney said...

Oh Steph, I'm sorry sweetie...just about everything. I'm physically ill over Phil's flash-drive and my heart aches for you when it comes to all things pregnancy-related. eeek! about the carpet. Usually Elle's so clean when she's naughty *sigh* I'm so, so sorry (((hugs)))

Sandy said...

Wow. You have one heck of a blog post. I am sorry to hear about your loss. And hopefully that darn memory stick will pop up.

Alabama Apples said...

My heart hurt when I read this. I know about most of it, but it makes me ache for you and your family. It is alright to allow yourself to vent. Sometimes getting it out there helps with the healing. We're still praying for Phil's flash drive.

Boo-hoo about your carpet! Little stinker!

I love, love, love you! Please give yourself a love from me and know I admire your strength so much.

Give your babies loves from Auntie, too.

Mamapierce said...

I totally know what you're going through. We've been through 7 years of infertility and it's HARD!!! I don't have answers, either, but know that you're not alone and that this is a trial that many face. It was hard for me to feel that when, like you, I had several friends getting pregnant and having babies. When I looked online and joined forums for other lds women who struggled with infertility, there I found understanding. (((HUGS)))

Aubrey said...

HUGS - I hope things get better. I'm sure the flash-drive will turn up, and hopefully sooner rather than later. I have had things like that happen to me a lot, sometimes saying a quick prayer helps. And maybe a cute decorative rug could hide the finger nail polish for a while?

The DeVito's said...

{{HUGS}} I'm sorry you are having a crappy time! As weird as it sounds - think about what you WANT to happen not about all the bad things. It's the Law of Attraction- what you think about you bring about.

I love you! You are in my thoughts!

Carrie said...

I am so sorry about the trial after trial! I really hope that Phillip finds his flash drive...I bet he is just sick over it. You will have to keep us updated! I know exactly how you feel about miscarrying. I have had 4 and they are hard. Brian and I are ready, but I had 2 back to back. I to am wondering when and if it will happen. I have such easy pregnancies as long as I stay pregnant, but for some reason I have had my fair share of miscarriages. You guys will be in my thoughts and prayers. Good luck with everything!! :-)

Jenny said...

Sometimes the only words for such occasions are "THAT SUCKS!" Really, though how on earth did you get the fingernail polish off the TV?

holyoak said...

My dear one, if you want a medical explanation for at least one of your trials, call me. As for the rest, everything else is rebuild-able, replaceable and renewable. You are loved and are a very loving person. I'd say you are doing alright, getting good grades, your futures so bright you gotta wear shades! I love you dearly, right down to your pink toenails in the summer.

Life with the Howell Family said...

Steph have you tryed goo gone or crud cutter on your carpet? It might take your carpet stains out. Sorry to hear of your trials, sending love your way♥♥

Gardners said...

Stephanie, did you ever find it? I know how tough that must be for both of you. There's always another hill to climb, huh? And you picked a perfect title for this entry!

whitney said...

you're killin' me, Smalls.

update already :P

Coty said...

Oh my, Stephanie. I'm reduced to tears, I can feel your sorrow. I pray things look up for you and your family.

Stinkin' flash-drive...you are SO not helping things ;)

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

and if it's any consolation...while my Visiting teacher's were over today, R totally emptied an entire bottle of syrup on my kitchen floor. Then walked through it. I'm still stepping on syrup. So sorry about the nail polish. so not fabulous.

sharon said...

So sorry to hear about your horrible, no-good, very bad days.. I remember those days and ya know what..you will look back and think, wow! we did make it through it and everything turned out okay.
Hang in there Steph, it does help to share it with others so share away.
I saw on a program once where someone's child had made a mess on the carpet. They luckly had save remenants and so they cut a square around the damaged piece and put a new square in. you could hardly tell the difference. (just a thought)
Hope you have a Great March!!

whitney said...

Despite your slacker blogging, I still gave you an award. I just love you that. much.

http://semihipmom.blogspot.com/2010/03/horribly-sorry-for-delay-my-poor.html